DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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