I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
