I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
