mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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