he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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