it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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