He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I will be naked everywhere
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
