I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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