dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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