You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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