I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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