My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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