there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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