My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
