after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
