ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
