What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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