Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
birth control should be required to get into college
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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