omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
