Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
