Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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