I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
