Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
