you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you didnt know i had herpes?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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