Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
