So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize