The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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