i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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