Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
