I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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