Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can I color on your dick again?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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