The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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