I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
