my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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