I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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