yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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