how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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