the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
