I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
