Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize