so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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