So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
