So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
