i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize