I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
