I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
