so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
