he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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