I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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