New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
