The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I will pee on everything he values.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
