i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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