happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
