Will you blow on my dice?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
