i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
