im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
