no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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