I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
