I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
