I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't deserve a penis
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
