i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
