Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
