Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
