I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
BRING THE BAGELS
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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