Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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